Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
