you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
