I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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