They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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