I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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