Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We got so high we made milksteak
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
