you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
