6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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