if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
