Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
