I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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