I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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