she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
