I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
