I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
