you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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