Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
