the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
