got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
