Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
