Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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