i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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