I met the friendliest cop last night
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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