I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
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Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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