U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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