i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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