Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Blood and glitter go together right?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize