Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
