He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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