there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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