he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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