Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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