I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
