Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
