my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
