I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
