i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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