Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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