I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
