how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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