So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
