In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize