Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
