I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
