I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
