I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
