You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
