not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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