I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
