She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
