I haven't been this sober since birth.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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