I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
