It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
