my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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