my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i dont even know how to be here
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
