He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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