I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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