i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
